The Last Straw at Yahoo - or, My Bologna Has a Second Name

It's M-A-Y-E-R.

Have you been following the Yahoo saga? In fairness, it's been going on for 20 years, but the last four under Marissa Mayer have been particularly fulsome. I covered much of the early history, right through the Verizon purchase in Episode 5 of The Full Monty.

Mayer has made some big bets with the company's assets, including the $640 million purchase of Brightroll and the $1.1 billion acquisition of Tumblr. In case you were following, the Tumblr purchase was written down - twice - to the tune of $710 million.

Her focus has been on so-called "MaVeNS" - an acronym for mobile, video, native and social - said to be the key to Yahoo's future, against which everything was balanced. However, it was never broken out as a separate business unit and was subsumed into everything else the company did. The laudable intention was to simplify Yahoo, but functionally, nothing changed.

One thing that did change was Yahoo's work-from-home policy. Mayer very quickly eliminated that, thus alienating a huge group of employees, many of whom were working mothers. She didn't do herself any favors when she had a nursery installed in her office so she could return to work after only 2 weeks of maternity leave. Not every employee had that option.

So, we come to part of our story where Verizon purchased the core assets of Yahoo for $4.8 billion. Happy ending, right?

Not so fast. Since that time, a few things have surfaced. Namely:

• Yahoo secretly scanned all incoming emails of users on behalf of U.S. intelligence, in what is said to be the largest and most comprehensive operation of its kind. The good news is that Yahoo Mail users' accounts are mostly jokes that they incessantly forward to their kids. 
• Those 500 million user mail accounts were involved in a data breach in 2014, which Yahoo disclosed only weeks ago. Insiders say that security took a back seat to CEO Marissa Mayer's other priorities, as she denied additional funding to the security team and didn't want a massive password reset or a warning message sent out to users. 
• After this news, Verizon asked for a $1 billion discount on the sale price. Rightfully so. 
• And then came the news that Mayer discriminated against male employees based on their gender. 

Any one of these things would seem to be a dereliction of duty. Yahoo's board - historically ineffectual - still doesn't seem to be concerned about Mayer's fitness to lead, nor do they particularly have a sense of urgency about things.

Well, as I typically include a poem in each episode of The Full Monty, I've decided to dedicate this one to Yahoo's current CEO (with apologies to Dr. Seuss).

Marissa A. Mayer, Will You Please Go Now!

The time has come. The time is now.
Just go. Go. GO! I don't care how.
You can go by foot. You can go by cow.
Marissa A. Mayer, will you please go now!

You can go on skates. You can go on skis.
You can go in a hat. But please go. Please!

You can go on a bike.
You can go on a purple bike if you like.

You can Wander and Blink and Aviate too.
Just go, go, GO!
Please do, do, DO!

Marissa A. Mayer, I don't care how.
Marissa A. Mayer, will you please GO NOW!

You can go on stilts. You can go by fish.
You can go in a Tumblr if you wish.

If you wish you may go
by Yahoo mail.
Just scan yourself
and leave Sunnydale.

Marissa A. Mayer!
Don't you know
the time has come
to go, Go, GO!

Get on your way!
Please, Marissa A.!
You might like going in a Flickr way.
You can go by neglect…or lack of sense
You even can go by incompetence.

You can go by lawsuit…or jet.
I don't care how you go. Just GET!

Get yourself some ravens.
Fly away with your MaVENS!

Marissa, Marissa!
Will you leave this room!

Marissa A. Mayer! I don't care HOW.
Marissa A. Mayer! Will you please GO NOW!

I said GO and GO I meant…
The time had come, SO…Marissa WENT.

If you liked this commentary, you can listen to it in my podcast The Full Monty. Subscribe via email or on iTunes, Google Play, Stitcher, Spreaker or SoundCloud.

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